Entering Disillusionment
I sent a child who is not allowed to be paddled to the office today. I thought he'd just get a stern talking to. He got a one-day suspension. Another child, who is normally happy and loving, wrote about how she has no friends.
And finally, my hungriest-looking, easily weepy, overly sleepy little girl stole a dollar from another student and showed it to me, glowingly happy. "Look Mi' Hay', I can go to the snack machine!" Having been put on alert by the SpEd teacher, I knew it wasn't hers and I called her on it and made her sob and made her give it back to the other child and apologize and she just cried all afternoon. I adore this little girl. I was furious when she stole, but not at her -- at the school, that has a store when these children are DIRT POOR and not all of them can afford to go, at the other children, who wave their money around (if I see it, I take it, and they get it back after school), at the life she was born into where she DOESN'T have snack money and where she NEEDS more food.
I have a five-color consqeuence chart. Three children finished up off the chart. If I were to assign points for behavior, a 120 would be a perfect day for the whole class. The best I have had in the past month is a 100 (that means only 20 times in the day I said "You need to go flip your card.") Today would be my lowest day, at a 77. That means I said "You need to go flip your card," 43 times. Or rather, I said, "You need to go flip your card," 39 times, and "Since you have decided not to flip your card, I am going to flip it for you two times," twice. Since actual class time is about 6 hours, that is 7 times per hour.
I am tired and unhappy. There is so much I want to fix and change and I don't know where to begin and so I keep pushing it off and focusing on day-to-day survival.
According to other Delta teachers, the October is the worst month. Four days in I have to agree so far. I knew October wouldn't be great, but I am going to be a total wreck if it stays like this week. I have not had a good day this week and I don't think tomorrow will be that day.
And finally, my hungriest-looking, easily weepy, overly sleepy little girl stole a dollar from another student and showed it to me, glowingly happy. "Look Mi' Hay', I can go to the snack machine!" Having been put on alert by the SpEd teacher, I knew it wasn't hers and I called her on it and made her sob and made her give it back to the other child and apologize and she just cried all afternoon. I adore this little girl. I was furious when she stole, but not at her -- at the school, that has a store when these children are DIRT POOR and not all of them can afford to go, at the other children, who wave their money around (if I see it, I take it, and they get it back after school), at the life she was born into where she DOESN'T have snack money and where she NEEDS more food.
I have a five-color consqeuence chart. Three children finished up off the chart. If I were to assign points for behavior, a 120 would be a perfect day for the whole class. The best I have had in the past month is a 100 (that means only 20 times in the day I said "You need to go flip your card.") Today would be my lowest day, at a 77. That means I said "You need to go flip your card," 43 times. Or rather, I said, "You need to go flip your card," 39 times, and "Since you have decided not to flip your card, I am going to flip it for you two times," twice. Since actual class time is about 6 hours, that is 7 times per hour.
I am tired and unhappy. There is so much I want to fix and change and I don't know where to begin and so I keep pushing it off and focusing on day-to-day survival.
According to other Delta teachers, the October is the worst month. Four days in I have to agree so far. I knew October wouldn't be great, but I am going to be a total wreck if it stays like this week. I have not had a good day this week and I don't think tomorrow will be that day.
posted by Jessica at 8:43 PM
1 Comments:
Hey Jess! Just wanted to say I hear ya. Monday was a really hard day for me, but after Rosh I came back today and decided I was going to try to treat it like a New Year. I think the thing about Oct is that we start to take things personally, feel the true nature of all our challeneges, and generally feel overwhelmed. Although I haven't been able to get the afternoons to go very well, it makes a big difference just taking each day as a new day. I'm pretty sure the kids don't carry baggage. As one teacher said to me: "So long as you wear different clothes, you'll be alright."
Good luck tomorrow!
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